


Click

by MDFawn



Category: As the World Turns, As the World Turns RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 19:44:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3741313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MDFawn/pseuds/MDFawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Do not copy/duplicate work.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Click

**Author's Note:**

> Do not copy/duplicate work.

  
        Sometimes the sound is so loud that I glance around looking for a source, thinking that there is no way I’m the only one experiencing it.  It’s just a sound, a feeling of something slipping into place that means many things to me.  A feeling.  A thought.  An emotion but it’s  only ever happened with one person.  Van.

    The first time it happened you think it would have been when I walked into the audition for the soap role I said I’d never go out for.  Coming out of college I had turned my nose up at the idea of a soap role but after a few months and a lot of auditions the idea of a paying job was really appealing and this one was different.  If I had to take a soap role at least this one was unique.  The love interest of American Daytime Television’s first teen male gay character.

    I was secure enough in my straightness and while I stood waiting as the producer introduced me during my third audition for the part to my potential love interest I thought, ‘hey,  at least the guy was good looking.’  When he turned to me and smiled you would have thought I’d have heard it then, but no.

    I thought I would have heard it during any of our first scenes together where even though we didn’t really know each other everything just seemed to flow.  No, it happened at the most mundane of days in a little city called Branson.

    We were waiting in the giant theater watching Chando and Elana run their lines.  Van and I were sitting trying to pass the time. 

    “Damn I should have brought one of my comics with me.”  Van whispered under his breath.

    My head had snapped around at that.  Van and I had become friendly but we were still trying to find our way as acting partners.

    “You like comics!  Me too!” I nearly squealed.  As Van nodded his head and we started listing our favorites I heard that sound for the first time. 

  
_**“Click”**_ - _Friendship_  


   It was so audible that I actually thought that there wasn’t any way Van hadn’t heard it too but he continued extolling the virtues of Wolf over Cyclops.  


  
* * *

    The next time it happened was at another unassuming time.  We were walking down the red carpet at the Soapnet Emmy Party in 2008 and we walked up to Michael Fairman and Van and he started talking.  I hadn’t met Michael at that point so I was completely taken off guard as he and Van started talking about an interview they had just done and the subject of me had come up. 

    I could tell that Van was a little embarrassed by the way he was kicking at the ground with his foot and trying to make a joke of the whole conversation by talking about doing a “Tonya Harding” on my knees.  When he finally said that I was a really nice guy I actually found myself stuck for a moment and just smiled. 

    “He’s a nice guy.  A really nice guy.”  Van saved the day by answering Michael’s inquiry and we both simply smiled and glanced at each other.

  
**_“Click”_** -  _Best friends_  


* * *

    Van and I stood off to the side waiting to go present on the GLAAD awards and we were in the middle of yet another “heated discussion” as he hefted the half filled water bottle and shook his head. 

    “Oh man, I didn’t think this was fizzy water.”  He said as he made a disgusted face.

    “It doesn’t look fizzy.”  I said with a straight face knowing that Van was talking about the brand not the actual content.

    “Funny Silbermann.”  He said as he rolled his eyes at me and tossed the open bottle into the trash can and grabbed another bottle.  He opened the bottle and quickly took a drink. 

    “This is fizzy, too.”  He whined as he held the bottle up and looked at it as if it had personally tried to offend him. 

    Honestly, how could I not crack up?  I was softly chuckling as I walked over and looked at the bottle in his hand and sure enough - fizzy.

    “Why did you take the same one?”  I said as I noticed the stage manager’s assistant watching from a short distance away.  The look of confusion on his face was almost as funny as Van’s. 

    “I didn’t take the same one.  I took it out of the other bucket.”  Van snapped back and he again throw another bottle into the trash can.

    “Well, you should have know that it was going to be fizzy if you picked the last one out of the same bucket.”  I asked quite logically, I thought.

    Van obviously didn’t see the logic as his eyes glared back.  “I didn’t, smart ass.  I got it from a different bucket.  I thought maybe there was a fizzy bucket and a still bucket.”

    “A fizzy bucket and a still bucket?”  I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. 

    “Should I give you guys some time?”  The assistant said as he just looked on in wonder at our “heated discussion” over fizzy and non-fizzy.

    I guess the idiocy of the discussion finally dawned on us as we both stopped, looked at the assistant and than at each other and both burst out laughing.  Van knocked my shoulder as he passed and -

  
**_“Click”_** -  _Soul Mates_  


    The thought struck me as I followed Van to the stage.  Not soul mates in the sense of the undying love of your life, but the personality mate that we all hope to find at least once in our lives.  A person who gets you no matter what.  Understands what you’re trying to say even if you can’t get the words out

 

* * *

    “The word just came down from CBS” Goutman said into the suddenly deathly quite rehearsal hall.  “We’ve been cancelled.”

    The announcement, thought not totally unexpected, was still met with a stunned silence.  My eyes immediately sought Van out on the other side of the hall and found him staring blankly at the floor.

    “It’s been a great ride and I’ve loved working with each and every one of you.  Let’s make the next six months count.”  Goutman said and babbling broke out all around me but the only thing that matter was getting across that hall and to him. 

    I found him standing almost in a corner with his back turned to everyone and his head down.  I didn’t need to see his face to know that his was upset and near breaking.  Like always we sensed when the other was near and he reached his hand back seeking the reassurance that everything was going to be all right.

    As soon as I slipped my hand into his I pulled him toward me, he turned melting into a full-bodied embrace.  I rubbed his back and he silently fell a little bit apart against me.

    “It’ll be all right.”  I whispered softly into his ear.

    He slowly shook his head against my neck.  “No, it’s not.”  He answered in a fierce whisper.

  
**_“Click”_**  - _Fear_  


  


* * *

    The room was small and all the fans were excited but right now they were all sort of holding their breath and watching Van.  I was watching Van but he wasn’t saying anything and he seemed at a loss, so having his back I tried to back paddle.

    “You probably could have asked for a better . . . “ I tried joking.

    The fans laughed, easing the tension.

    “No.”  Van sighed and seemed to grin.  A pained grin.

    And then the silence again.  For once in the three years that I’d known him, Van was speechless.  Damn.

    “Can we get a Kleenex.  Don’t cry.”  One of the fans said trying again to break the tension. 

    “Awww.”  The others responded as I watched Van try and get a hold on himself.

    “I, I, I, feel exactly the same.”  Van finally got out and I could feel myself shaking my head in response.  “And, and . . .”

    I waited for him to continue as he turned to look at me, our eyes meeting for only the briefest of an instant.

  
**_“Click”_**  -  _Oh my God, I’m so screwed!_  


    Was the only thought I had as he quickly turned away and I looked down.  I only vaguely heard the rest of what he said.  Something about the saddest thing about everything was ‘not being able to act opposite one of my best friends.’

    I could feel my head nodding again in acknowledgment as I continued to look down and this oddly hollow feeling appeared in the pit of my stomach.  ‘I’m so screwed.’

 

* * *

    “So you’re getting ready to leave, man?”  Billy asked.

    “Yeah, told my mom I’d come by tonight.”  I smiled.  I looked around at the impromptu party Billy had thrown together.  Mostly, co-workers (now former co-workers) from ATWT and some mutual friends.

    Billy saw my searching gaze and smiled.  “I think he might have stepped outside a few minutes ago.”

    I turned a questioning look on him, confused as to who he was talking about, but not really.

    “Van.”  Billy rolled his eyes .  “Go say goodbye and I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”

    I nodded my head and was immediately swept up into a slightly buzzed “full Billy body” hug.

    As I headed to the front door of O’Malley’s I waved to Jon and Kelley.  I’d be seeing them out in LA in about a month too.  We were a few of the ATWT family who had decided to make the move to the west coast.  Me of course, alone, since Stephanie had decided that her career and family here were more important than our relationship. 

    As I pushed open the door I was hit with a blast of chilly air.  That was definitely one thing I’d be missing in LA.

    I looked up and down the sidewalk in front of the bar but there was no Van in sight.  I stood for a moment, upset.  He knew I was getting ready to leave for my parents and then the flight was early tomorrow morning.  He wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye - would he?

    ‘Shit.’

    Aggravated, I stepped up to the curb to hail a cab.

    “Hey.”  Was whispered from behind me and there he was with his jacket zipped up.  He hated the cold, and his hands shoved deep into his pockets.

    “Hey, you.”  I said as I turned toward him.  “I thought that you had already forgot about me.”  I tried to joke but saw the look in Van’s eyes.

    “Stop.”  He whispered as he looked down at the ground and then across the street.  Any place but at my face. 

    I stood silently waiting for something, not really knowing what that something was.  “I though maybe you weren’t going to say goodbye to me.”

    His eyes snapped up to mine and for a second I wish they hadn’t.  They were filled with so much emotion.  More actually than I was prepared to deal with.  “I can’t do this.  Saying goodbye - to you.”  He said softly.  “I don’t know how to do that.”

    I stood, my feet seemed to be nailed to the sidewalk and my heart gave a silent ‘thud’ and seemed to be squeezed by an unknown force or a force I didn’t want to know just yet.  “Then don’t say it.”  I whispered.  I heard the cab pull up behind me and turned and asked him to wait just a moment.  When I stood back up and turned he was right there in front of me. 

    It was almost instantaneous as we both reached out at the same time and pulled each other into a fierce, almost desperate embrace.  I didn’t know whose heart I felt beating harder mine or his as we stood, chest to chest.  All I could feel was Van everywhere.  His arms around my waist and his hands gripping my jacket.  His face buried in the crock of my neck with his breath warm against it.  Him - in my heart.

    Suddenly my cell phone went off and the tune to “Green Acres” starting playing.  We both knew it was my mother probably look for me, but I didn’t want to let go as I clutched him tighter to me.  Whatever this was, was broken by the taxi horn as the driver let me know that he wasn’t in the business of waiting all night.  As Van pulled away a whispered statement made it to my ears, “I love you.”

    He backed away as I stumbled confused into the cab, flipping my phone open and watched him stand there as the cab pulled way. 

  
**_“Click”_**  - _Loss_  


  


  
* * *

    “Man, it’s good to see you.”  Billy said for probably the four hundredth time that night as he pulled Van into a massive hug. 

    “It’s good to see you, too.”  Van said with a smile as he hugged him back and looked at me over his shoulder.

    It had been nearly four months since I’d left New York and since than Billy, Jon and Kelley and a few of the crew from ATWT had all made it to LA to start their lives post-ATWT.  I had landed a small role on a prime time crime drama and it was going well.  Van had decided that he loved New York and wasn’t going to make the move but I and Billy both had been badgering him non-stop to at least come out to visit the Sunshine state and finally he had agreed to a long weekend full of intense auditioning while he was here. 

    He had agreed to stay with me since I had the extra room.  We had stayed in touch but I nor he had ever mentioned what had happened that last night on the curb.  I think we both knew that it wasn’t something either of us were ready to approach.  Billy had volunteered to pick him up at the airport since I was filming and that we’d meet up at Pulley’s which was within walking distance to my apartment. 

    That’s where we’d been the last three hours before stumbling home.  Billy three-sheets to the wind and Van and I only moderately buzzed.  I was sitting on the sofa as Van waved from my front door to Billy as his girlfriend took charge of him and left for their house.

    “Some things never change.”  Van said smiling as he closed the front door and walked over and sat down on the opposite end of the sofa.  Slipping off his flip flops and pulling his feet up in front of him. 

    “Yeah.”  Was my only response as I laid my head back on the sofa and closed my eyes.  “Billy’s staggering home and you and me sprawled out on your sofa.  The only thing missing is Annabelle clawing at my legs.”

    He stretched out his leg to kick me in the thigh.  “You love Annabelle, admit it.”

    I laughed as my hand landed on his ankle and squeezed.  “Of course, I love Annabelle.  She’s yours.” 

    “Damn, I’ve missed this.”  I said as I just rested there with my head back and eyes closed.  I really hadn’t expected an answer but . . . it was Van.  I kind of expected something.  A comment, a snide remark.  I turned my head and opened my eyes to see what was wrong with Van and my head snapped up at the look on his face. 

    His mouth was slightly opened and his eyes were glued to what my hand was doing.  My hand that, unnoticed by me as if it had a life of its own, was alternately needing his ankle and playing with the short hairs on his leg.  I looked up and just then Van’s eyes had jerked up and they met. 

    I don’t even remember how I got from where I had been laying on the sofa to literally crawling across the sofa and up Van until I was staring down at him.  Seeing again in his eyes the same emotion I had seen in them four months before on a curb in New York, but there was no cab and no phone this time.  I looked into his hazel eyes and I was once again nearly overwhelmed with the emotions I saw there.  Emotions directed at me and about me and I could feel the clinching of my heart the same way it had that night. 

    You would think that I would have heard the “click” when our lips finally met.  Not Luke and Noah’s but Van and Jake’s.  The difference left my head spinning.  Where Luke kisses were hesitant and almost girlish, Van’s was insistent and all man.  Hard and sure.  It was so different from kissing a woman but it was so much more. 

    Van sat up and we both had our hands on each other.  Mine buried in his blond hair that he’d started to let grow out again and his on me neck and shirt pulling me in, closer.  We pulled part, both gasping for the air we had been denying ourselves.  Van looked into my eyes as if looking for the answer to some unknown question.  He obviously found it as he nodded his head yes and slowly pushed my back against the sofa and I suddenly found myself with a lap full of Van Hansis.

    I honestly didn’t seem to have any control over myself as I sat there staring up into the face of my best friend and not being able to focus on anything but his slightly red and swollen lips.  I could sense the hesitation as he looked down at me, wondering if this should be happening but I was too far gone and simply reached up, grabbed him around the neck and pulled him down until our mouths crashed together again.  Lips, tongues, teeth.  All familiar but different. 

    Van ripped his mouth away and his head fell back as he tried to find some stability, exposing his neck.  I slowly leaned in and ran my tongue up from his shoulder until I reached his ear lob.  I actually learned something new about Van just than.  That his neck was one of his most erotic spots.  He moaned as his hands gripped the sofa behind my shoulders and slowly rocked his hips.

    That was when the difference of all of this finally hit home by the rock hardness rubbing along my thigh toward my own rock hardness.  The realization made me freeze.  Terrified for an instant.  Obviously, Van and I could still sense each other because his head immediately snapped up and he was gazing into my eyes. 

    He must have seen the confusion, tension and yes, fear there because I could see emotions of his own in his eyes.  Fear, sadness, humiliation.  We sat there for what felt like an hour just staring at one another until his hands came up and took a hold of the sides of my face and he tipped my head forward and he silently kissed by forehead.

    “You’re drunk.”  He whispered as our eyes meet.

  
**_“Click”_**  -  _Regret._  


    He quickly slid off my lap and stood up.  “Good night, Jake.” 

    I watched, stunned, as he quietly turned and made his way down the hall and into the spare bedroom. 

 

* * *

    “Are you sure you weren’t a party planner in a past life?”  I asked Billy with a grin as he and I turned into the very full bar. 

    “When Van, fucking, Hansis goes on an audition for the HBO series he’s been basically having wet dreams about for two years and gets the part handed to him within two minutes, damn straight he’s getting a party.”  Billy smiled as he waved his hand at the assembled party goers.  “It didn’t take too much arm twisting to get everyone here.”

    As always, Billy was right.  He’d only had to call all of the ATWT alumni in the area and they were in their cars before they hung up their phones.  I’d brought Melissa my agent from CAA with me.  She was my agent but she was also my friend and I wanted her to meet Van and hopefully hook him up with a good agent. 

    I spotted Van already standing with Jon and Kelley and they were catching up with a vengeance.  I knew that Van had missed Jon a lot since Jon and his family had made the move to the west coast.  Jon had played his father for almost five years and he was almost like a second father to Van in real life.  I couldn’t help but smile at them. 

    When I had gotten up this morning I had intended to have a talk with Van.  We needed to, I needed to.  He and I had gone somewhere in our relationship that I don’t think either of us had expected but I had thought about it all night and I was sure that I did want to go there, with Van.  Yeah, I had panicked.  Kissing Van had been unnerving.  Not so much because it was a man but because it was Van.  Van, my best friend.  Van, my co-star (well former co-star). 

    Yes, when the reality of the fact that I was kissing and more with a man finally reached my brain it had shocked me, scared me even.  I had thought of myself as straight all my life.  I couldn’t remember ever being attracted to a man before but than again I hadn’t ever met Van before.  I laid awake all night remembering the whole journey of our meeting and friendship and the strange almost indescribable relationship that people always pointed out to us.  It had been described as unusual, except that it wasn’t.  It was us and I wanted us.

    I was scared when Van had rocked against me and I had felt the embodiment of his desire for me.  It frightened me because it was new to me and different but it didn’t make me want it any less and want it I did.  I wanted everything with Van.  I had realized that at about 4:30 in the morning, staring at the ceiling of my bedroom. 

    I looked across the room again finding Van and wondered, did he feel the same?  Want me the same?

    “Wow.”  Melissa said from where she stood by my elbow. 

    I turned to her in confusion.  “What?”

    “I guess I should have asked before I started trying to set you up with my friends.”  She said as he shook her head with a small smile on her face.

    “Asked what?” 

    She just stood with kind of a “duh” look on her face.  “You’re gay.”

    I looked at her and honestly didn’t know what to say to that.

    “I mean, I don’t care.  You obviously love him very much.”  She said as she took a sip of her drink. 

    ‘ _Love?_ ’ 

    She actually did a double take as she looked at me.  The look in my eyes must have been that shocking.  “He doesn’t know?”  She whispered.  “You’ve got to tell him, Jake.”

    I tried to say something but the lips were moving but the words weren’t.  ‘ _Love?’_

    I numbly turned and looked for him again, finding his eyes already on me and there it was in his eyes.  Like it had been on the curb in New York.  Like it had been last night as he looked down into my eyes as he sat in my lap.  ‘ _Love_ ’.

  
**_“Click”_** - _I want him_  


    “I have to go.”  I whispered as I handed my drink to Melissa without taking my eyes off of him.

 

  
**_“Click”_**  -  _I need him_  


    I walked purposely across the bar, dodging people as they said hello or tried to ask me a question.  My vision was tunneled and Van was the destination.

 

  
**_“Click”_** - _I love him_  


    Van had stopped listening to what Jon had been saying as he watched me advance across the room never taking my eyes from his own.  As I got closer I would realize later when asked that Kelley had reached out a hand to her husband’s arm to quiet him as I approached. 

    I swear that the whole room was silent as I stopped in front of Van and without preamble reached out and placed my hands on either side of his jaw and pulled him to me.  Our lips locked in a soul searching, searing kiss. 

    I pulled back slightly, breaking the kiss and whispered for him to hear.  “I wasn’t drunk last night.”

    I pulled him in for another kiss, my tongue running lazily across his bottom lip.  I pulled back and whispered again.  “I  ** _was_** scared, I  _ **am**_  scared.”

    I pulled him in again and captured his upper lip between my own.  I pulled back and whispered again.  “I want this.  I want us.  Do you?”

    It was than that I opened my eyes as I leaned my forehead against his and stared into his hazel eyes that now seemed much darker at this moment.  I also realize that he had been standing the whole time I’d been kissing him with his hands at his side.  As if afraid to touch me.

    “Dude.”  Billy smirked from just behind Van’s shoulder.  “You do realize you’re kissing a dude, right?”

    Van’s eyes held that same question. 

    “Yeah, Billy, I do.”  I breathed out not taking my eyes from Van’s and whispered “I love you.”

    I watched as the questions disappeared from those eyes and was replaced by a longing that almost made my knees buckle. 

    Suddenly his hands weren’t at his sides anymore, they were pulling at my shirt.  Pulling me in, pulling me closer, pulling me to  _home_.

  
**_“Click”_** _\- Destiny_  


**_THE END_**


End file.
